God Winks

Since September of 2023, I have been going through cancer treatment and dealing with all the side effects associated with treatment and having had an extensive digestive surgery. I have also researched so much about cancer and where to go for information on clinical trials. Though out this journey, many times I have felt alone. Unless you have been down this road, you cannot understand this never-ending mental and physical rollercoaster.

However, I know God has always been by my side even if sometimes I don’t feel like He is there. One of the ways I know He is with me are through “God winks”. These are things that happen during the day that cannot be explained or a coincidence. For example, a friend sends me a devotion or text with a verse that is just what I needed to hear. I get in my car to go to an appointment and a song comes on the radio as I start my car and the words are spoken from heaven inspiring strength and courage, and sometimes the struggles we all face. God is there too.

In May, I drove from Atlanta to Nashville to The Sara Cannon Cancer Institute. During my drive, there were 2 separate billboards – one said “God is good all the time” and the other said “God will never leave you or forsake you”. I also noticed numerous crosses along the way. Last week I had a CT scan. The lovely technician told me she was praying for me during the scan. Not to mention so many family and friends constantly lifting me up in prayer. God speaks to us in many ways. It can be in a song, a text, friends, family, church, His word, prayer and even our intuition which I believe is the Holy Spirit. I am never alone and neither are you. We just have to open our hearts to the peace He offers us every second.

Waiting

With Easter and Lent just ending, I have thought a lot about waiting. We wait for countless things each day. We wait for our coffee to brew first thing in the morning. We wait for traffic lights to change. We wait in line at the grocery store. We wait for telephone calls from friends and loved ones about good and sometimes difficult news. We wait at the airport, train and bus stations to take us to our destinations. We wait for that job, promotion or raise which sometimes never comes. As parents, we wait for our children to walk, talk, grow, graduate and become adults. Our children eventually wait on us when we are incapable of moving as fast as we used to. We wait at appointments and sometimes we wait for answers to situations we don’t understand. We wait for holidays and vacations to start so we can relax. We wait for the night to end and to see the sunrise in the morning. We wait for our prayers to be answered. Waiting is a huge part of our daily life.

As a cancer patient, waiting can be the hardest part of the journey. We wait for lab and scan results, and treatments. We wait for biopsies and surgeries. We wait for life to be normal again even if it is a “new normal”. We wait for a cure.

As I think on the resurrection of Jesus. I consider how Mary, Jesus’ mother, had to wait for God’s plan to come to fruition. She saw her Son die and endure a torturous death on a cross. Mary knew this was the purpose of His birth and life. Yet she did not know when she would see Him again. The disciplines also waited in fear after Christ was put to death on the cross. They ran and hid because they thought they would be killed since they were seen with Jesus before His death.

Jesus knew all about waiting. He would sacrifice His life for us one day on the cross. He waited 40 years with this hanging over His head. Even with the constant reminder of His purpose on earth, He was still kind and patient. He was selfless, forgiving and loving to everyone He encountered. Jesus would rise again on the third day and all the waiting would be over. This is our hope. Revelation 21:4 says “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Waiting teaches me to trust God with my life and future, and to be patient with myself and others. God uses us in the waiting to be the light for Him while we are here on earth. Each moment of waiting is a part of His plan.

This Life

Since I was diagnosed with cancer in September of 2023, people have asked me so many questions about my journey. Many want to know if I am angry, scared or depressed. Others ask why God would allow this to happen. There are also questions about chemotherapy and how I feel physically. These are just a few examples. Some of the questions are easy to answer and some are not. I believe some questions will only be answered when we are in heaven with Jesus. I am blessed to have so many people who care about me. I also think some people are very curious in knowing what it is like to face death and suffering.

A couple years ago I watched a movie called “Father Stu” with Mark Wahlberg. He plays a man with a troubled past but meets a devote Catholic woman. She persuades him to go to church with her. In the end, he gives his life to Christ and becomes a priest; however, during this process he is diagnosed with a life threatening disease. He questions God and is angry but God uses him as a light. I remember something Mark Wahlberg’s character said in the movie when he accepts his situation, and I actually wrote it in my journal, long before my diagnosis. The quote is “The experience of suffering is the fullest expression of God’s love. It is a chance to be closer to Christ.” I have found this to be true in my own life. Please understand there are days that are very tough and it is hard to see anything positive but I always know I have Christ walking beside me and giving me the strength to continue on this journey.

We do not know the plans God has for our lives or our future. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Each morning we open our eyes to begin a new day, we know God has a plan for us. It is not always easy or problem-free but God is always with us.

For me, most days I have come to terms with my situation. My faith, family and friends are what I hold dear. I hope I am here for many years to come but I also know this is not my forever home.

Finding Purpose Through Giving Back

Since September of 2023, my life has consisted of appointments with various doctors sometimes involving travel, medical procedures with and without anesthesia, labs for all different purposes, visits to the hospital/ER, 3 rounds of chemotherapy, radiation and the Whipple surgery which has forever changed my digestive system. I am on all sorts of medication; some I will take for the rest of my life. There are days I feel pretty good and others I need to rest. I often forget what it feels like to be a normal human being. Cancer has forever changed my life. Did I want a cancer diagnosis and put myself and my family through this? Of course not but I have certainly learned so many things during this journey that has positively affected my life.

I have met and seen so many people going through similar cancer journeys whom have not been as fortunate as myself either with their treatment or their outcome. I have also had many people reach out to me to share their own stories and/or hear mine. One way I stay connected to normal life is to give back any way I can. This provides me with a sense of purpose and shifts my focus from my struggles to gratitude. It also blesses me beyond words. Giving back does not have to be grand or time-consuming; even the smallest efforts can make a difference, both in my life and in the lives of others.

Sending a text, email or handwritten note to someone you know in need; making a phone call when you know a friend needs to talk or just provide a listening ear; sharing my story with someone else may help that person feel a connection when going through the same thing or something similar; buying coffee/tea for a stranger or giving a compliment; giving or sharing a book/devotion/song that is an inspiration or blessing in my life; spending an hour helping someone in need or volunteering at a charity close to your heart. Many of these kindnesses have been shown to me and have helped me to keep moving in the right direction. God uses other people to show His love and there is nothing more rewarding.

With Lent right around the corner, my pastor has a wonderful idea; instead of giving up something this year, why not give back something every day of Lent. I know I have so many things around my home that I haven’t used or worn in years which could really help someone else. All these things are very small acts of kindness and some don’t even involve leaving your home. Maybe a smile is all someone needs to change the outcome of their day. You don’t know what someone might be dealing with. What an easy way to take the focus off myself and be blessed in the process.

Finding Peace in Nature

I grew up in Florida and the beach was always a favorite spot to spend time with my family and friends. Breathing the ocean air leads to feelings of relaxation and well-being. The consistent and gentle sound of the ocean waves also reduce stress and anxiety. The rise and fall of the ocean tide symbolizes the highs and lows I have experienced in my life; change, consistency, and transformation.

I also love the mountains. Mountains embody qualities of strength, stability, endurance, and the majesty of God. The plant life, distinctive sounds, and unique scents offer peace and tranquility.

I cannot always go to the ocean or to the mountains, especially during treatments, but I can get a lot of those same experiences in my backyard. Nature is another wonderful gift of God and allows us to experience His peace and presence just by stepping outside. What a blessing!

Finding God In My Cancer Journey

From the beginning of my journey with cancer, I have experienced God’s presence in the good and bad days. My best friend calls these moments “God winks”. He lets us know He is present and is with us in each step we take. A text from a friend at just the right time or hearing a song with words that touch my heart and relate to exactly how I am feeling or what I am going through. I have read devotions as if God has me wrapped up in His arms and is whispering the words in my ear. I have experienced these things and so many others throughout my journey.

I recently experienced a miracle. My recent PET scan came back with an area of concern which indicated a possible recurrence. My doctors informed me I would need a MRI to determine exactly what was going on. I reached out to everyone I knew and asked for prayers. As I lay in the bore (enclosed MRI tube), I felt complete peace. I felt and envisioned prayers like rain drops falling all over me and covering me. When I received the results of the MRI, each line read “no evidence of recurrence”. I knew this was certainly a miracle. I think the miracle is also that so many people love and care for me, and prayed so fervently. I have known so much love in my life. Loving others and the blessings that come with that is such a gift from God.

God does not always answer our prayers for healing and it’s hard to understand why some people are healed and others are not. The cancer journey is one of fear and uncertainty. But what I have come to know about God is that He always does what is best for us to bring us closer to Him. His love for us is unfathomable. He walks with us through our suffering. So I will continue on this journey and will be grateful for all the God winks and the miracles I have experienced in my life. His presence and peace is with us every moment, we just need to look for it.

Gratitude

In January of 2025, I started my third round of chemotherapy. It has been the hardest month both physically and mentally. Dealing with cancer is a constant world of unpredictability and having a will to keep fighting even when you are completely worn out.

Practicing gratitude during my cancer treatment has helped me psychologically and physically. Here is a list of some of the many things I am so very thankful for.

  1. The unwavering support from family and friends who stand by me offering prayers, love and assistance in my journey.
  2. The physicians, nurses and medical staff whom God has placed in my life.. They strive to give me the best medical care possible.
  3. The progress that is being made everyday in cancer treatment.
  4. Small, joyful moments that bring light during challenging times, such as a kind gesture, a beautiful day or my dog laying next to me when I don’t feel well.
  5. Appreciating every day, even with its ups and downs.
  6. New friends I have met on similar journeys as myself and the support we give each other.
  7. Creating memories even if it is something as simple as snuggling, reminiscing, watching a movie or sharing stories that brings laughter.
  8. My relationship with God and His Word which is hope-filled and life giving.

Support

In October of 2023, I began treatment for pancreatic cancer. I’ve had 3 rounds of chemo therapy (all administered through a port on the right side of my chest), radiation, The Whipple surgery, integrative therapies, all sorts of labs, CT and PET scans, 2 ER/hospital stays and numerous doctor’s appointments. What this does not include are the side effects from chemo therapy; hair loss, mouth sores, fatigue, nausea and vomiting, loss of appetite, digestive issues, neuropathy (numbness and tingling in hands and feet), low blood cell counts, cognitive changes, emotional changes, and skin and nail changes.

Having trusted family and friends during this journey is invaluable. They provide a support network that significantly impacts my physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Knowing I can talk openly about my feelings reduces the emotional strain and helps me to stay strong on difficult days. Managing stress is a huge part of the healing process. Stress exacerbates treatment side effects and can weaken the immune system.

Lastly, but most importantly, is my relationship with God, which provides profound comfort, strength and meaning in a time of uncertainty and challenge. I draw strength from prayers and find comfort in scriptures (Isaiah 41:10, Psalm 23:4, Philippians 4:13). I look for God’s presence in small moments and use worship music for hope and encouragement. I trust in God’s purpose (Jeremiah 29:11) and trust Him in the healing process. I know He has a plan for my life even though I don’t always understand it. He uses everything for His glory.

Words

In the modern English language we have about 170,000 words currently in use. The French use about 60,000 to 100,000 words. Modern Greek has around 600,000 to 700,000 words actively used today (wow!). Words are used as tools for communication and expression. There are spoken words, written words and non-verbal words (i.e., signs, posters, art). Words can do so many things; they can heal, harm or give hope.

As a cancer patient, I have heard words of hope, encouragement and love but I have also heard words of sadness, pain, frustration and fear. Words can change the outcome of someone’s day or put a smile on a stranger’s face. What verbally comes out of our mouth is so powerful and it also can show the condition of our heart.

I recently heard a daughter tell her mother “I love you Momma.’ My daughter has said those exact words to me throughout my life. These are words I treasure. We don’t know if what we say will be the last words someone will hear or if someone really needs to know they are worthy and loved. Before you speak, think about what your words might do to another human being or what your words say about you. This also applies to our actions. My parents always said “your actions speak louder than words” but I say clear communication often matters as much as action. Well chosen words can unite or motivate people in a profound way. While actions often validate words, the two are most effective when they work together. Be authentic and vulnerable, then the words we speak will be more meaningful and impactful, and sincere intentions/actions will naturally follow.

Reality Check

This week while I was at the infusion center one of my new friends had a very serious medical emergency. Witnessing this during something as personal and emotionally charged as my chemotherapy infusion was a deeply jarring and surreal experience. I already feel I am in a vulnerable state – physically from the infusion and emotionally from the weight of my own illness. The room suddenly shifted from quiet perseverance to one of immediate crisis.

At first I wasn’t sure what was happening. As the nurses were rushing and 911 was being called, I still struggled to process that my new friend’s life was at risk right in front of me. Suddenly this cheery, quiet room was filled with urgency: sharp commands, the crash cart being wheeled from it’s dusty corner and the hurried movement of staff trying to save a life.

This reality hit me like a wave: this isn’t just something I read about or saw on TV. It’s happening here, in this room, to someone who has sat in the same chair as me. Someone who I sat and talked with the day before, someone who has a family, someone I rode in the elevator with 30 minutes before. I think of my own vulnerability, how fragile life is, especially in a place where everyone is already fighting for survival.

I also feel so helpless. I felt like I should do something or, at the least, leave the room but I was tethered to my IV line, facing my own battle. The dichotomy of life and death playing out so vividly in one place was overwhelming.

A few days have passed since this tragic event but the images replay in my mind: the stillness of my friend, the urgent efforts of the team, the uncertainty of what happens next. I feel shaken, it’s all a visceral reminder of mortality. I am also grateful for nurses and doctors who fight so hard for their patients. I am extremely blessed with wonderful doctors and nurses.

In that moment, I witnessed both the fragility of life and the strength of those fighting to preserve it. It was a sobering, life-altering experience. I am thankful I know my Father in heaven, as did my friend. I will see her again one day.